You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
