Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Sorry about my life...
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
