So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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