worst night to have a conscience
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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