I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
The best revenge is premature balding
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
