I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
