You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize