Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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