How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
