Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
