I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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