Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
