his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
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