Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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