I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Just pee around me
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
