so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
