Having a random hookup so left but love u
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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