My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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