i always forget guys have bellybuttons
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
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