I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
