i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
