Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
