yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
