You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
