I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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