One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
