i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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