Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
