I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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