So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
