Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
