My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
