Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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