What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
