Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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