My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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