someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
