he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
