I feel great
I just peed on a car
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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