why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Never joke about your clitoris.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize