I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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