I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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