It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
