Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
