I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
