Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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