next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
