You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Randomize