took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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