One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
