News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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