I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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