did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
