Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
This show inspires me to have sex in space
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
