she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
