u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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