Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
