Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
